more of that lol

Why is everyone on the internet so obsessed with WHO IN BLACK METAL IS GAY? This is the number one interest everyone seems to have when it comes to black metal. This is even after considering the quality of the music, availability of albums, etc. All of these things do not rank as highly as the unbelievably important quandary of "ARE THEY GAY OR NOT GAY?" Not even so much the actuality of someone's alleged gayness, but moreso the mystery of their gayness is what's most compelling to everyone.

One day recently, I was looking at a shoutbox on last.fm for a band that I shall keep nameless, and there were, I'm not kidding, maybe like 46 comments regarding the collective sexuality of the band members. Even more perplexing was the outrageous depths this accusatory flaming was taken to; I mean, they were discussing possible sexual positions and... "bodily fluids" that were exchanged via... uh, some specific orifices, and the list just goes on and on. Throughout this band's shoutbox, there were innocently scattered maybe 6 or 7 other comments unrelated to homosexuality or penises. I was pretty confused by all this. I see this mainly occur in the band pages of black metal bands specifically. Like, it's one thing to call some moron a faggot online, because you're just insulting that person. It's another thing entirely if you have devoted REAL TIME to sitting down to compose well-thought out and articulated stories about someone engaged in sexual activity with someone of the same sex. I'm talking, there were people actively discussing hardcore homoerotic sex tales on a website about music. WAT.

In the rare instances where a member of a black metal band reveals themselves to be gay however, no one really cares about THEM. Like Gaahl. Some housebound, black metal fanboys are apparently enraged at this still, but I don't ever hear much about him. There's no more mystery anymore, he made sure of it. He publicly revealed that he enjoys fornicating with men. So that's it, the mystery is over. Whereas people like Neige from Alcest are relentlessly targeted as members of the homosexual community. What puzzles me is how there doesn't already exist some website dedicated to uncovering the shocking truth behind fags in black metal. I mean, apparently people really do care that much about this. I'm serious, THEY REALLY FUCKING DO.
On the internet, I noticed that eventually I became a target one day, and people started leaving "HE'S GAY!" comments on any web forum, web profile, or shoutbox, or random picture related to me that they could find. Nowadays, people really seem to think that I am a homosexual. Based on my research, the following things (in relation to myself) are considered homosexual:
-the color pink
-hair that is not long enough to cover face
-being attractive at all
-not being an original member of Deathspell Omega (incidentally, this band appears to be the very ANTITHESIS OF GAYDOM)
-having pictures of any kind
-short hair
-not being a white person
-not wearing tight leather pants with crotch guard and multiple phallic swords in secluded woodland area (I still do not fully understand this one)
-being in a band whose name could be somewhat manipulated to include the words "gay, penis, fag, or buttsex" (i.e Gorgayoth, Penisgorgoth, Gorgorbuttsex, etc.) (Apparently, I am told I lose because the original meaning of the name 'Sodom' is, "has buttsex")

So what I have learned from all this is that apparently I am gay and everyone else is not. Even if they are.

I mean, I have a girlfriend that I often have normal, heterosexual intercourse with, so I think she's going to be angry at me when she reads my last.fm shoutbox.

Completely Mormon love,
Matron